Look, I know you read these for affirmation or whatever, but this is an entirely inconsequential article written by a teenager with no actual knowledge of or genuine belief in astrology, so I’d say that you shouldn’t expect too much. Anyway, let’s start.

Aries: March 21- April 19

You know how your father keeps leaving for weeks at a time and returning suntanned and carrying bags of duty-free rum? As it turns out, he’s been travelling to Vancouver for a conference on the synergistic ideation of market forces, according to your conversation with him on March 13th. Also, you may want to watch out for wolves? Sorry, my astrological powers are giving me some mixed signals.

Taurus: April 20 – May 20

Look out for no major changes to your comfortably aristocratic lifestyle. However, Hillary, your 3rd favorite purebred Friesian will come down with a bit of a cold because the stable boy FORGOT to find a cashmere blanket with which to warm her. Of course, you may think that now you know this, you can save Hillary. No such luck, I’m afraid – don’t you know how fate works, Angelica? Besides, I’m sure you will be very busy, seeing as this month is just chock full of society dinners.

Gemini: May 21 – June 21

Are you a twin? Cause I feel like it would make sense if you were a twin. Could it be possible for all the twins in the world to be born in the same four week period? Anyway, on or around the 14th you and your twin brother Maurice are going to discover a deadly secret about how your parents made their fortune which will make you never want to speak to them again. But don’t worry – it’s not all bad – your crush will also ask you out on a date!

Cancer: June 22 – July 22

I bet by this point you are expecting me to tell you that you are just going to get cancer or something. Well, I’m more creative than that and honestly I’m disappointed that you would even think that of me. This month, I think you have a really good chance of winning the lottery and so you should stop going to work and just spend your time in sketchy gas stations buying lottery tickets until you win. Don’t worry if this seems like a bad idea. Just remember that a random person on the internet told you to to because you were born in an arbitrary 30 day period.

Leo: July 23 – August 23

Yeah, sorry, you are going to get cancer.

Virgo: August 24 – September 23

During a totally normal trip into that scary part of the woods behind your house you and your friend Dave will accidentally witness your neighbor burying his not-yet-dead wife – a secret you both promise to take to your graves. Unfortunately, Dave will tell his entire improv troupe the following week. You will then have to testify against your neighbor in a very tedious court case. Enjoy!

Libra: September 24 – October 23

Austin, I think you are expecting for me to predict a life full of turmoil for you too. You’re probably hoping to escape the banality of your everyday life with a murder mystery, a train robbery, or perhaps an outbreak of cholera. Well, not everyone’s life is like that, you know. Maybe you aren’t special like them. But the world still needs people like you. You can have all the banal and uninteresting fortunes. Maybe you’ll get a new job! After all, the sceptre of Mercury is in retrograde.

Scorpio: October 24 – November 22

Expect to meet a tall, dark, handsome stranger on or around March 10th asking you to join him on a whirlwind romance to Paris. Obviously, you should refuse. Who the hell would do that? Haven’t you ever heard of “stranger danger”?

Typhus: November 23 – December 21

Yeah, I bet you didn’t think that this was your sign was called. I bet you think that Typhus is a disease people had had in the 19th and early 20th centuries. Well, maybe you are right – but then again, who’s to say that I’m not right. It’s as if you could just look this up and resolve it in a few seconds. Anyway – I would look out for wolves. Wolves just seem kinda scary, honesty. Also, your friend Michelle will be undergoing some big changes in regards to her love life, so make sure you are really there for her.

Capricorn: December 22 – January 20

The fortunes block my view of your future – hazy forms obscure my inner sight. This may take a bit. Sorry – check back for a fortune next month.

Aquarius: January 21 – February 18

The stories your grandfather has been telling you for years are revealing themselves to be true. You and your friend, Riley, both treasure hunters, will discover clues to a vast store of treasure on the back of one of America’s most important documents. Your journey to the “national treasure” is sure to encounter some obstacles, but rest assured that in the end, you get both the gold and the National Archive librarian.

Pisces: February 19 – March 20

In the West corner at the bottom of your garden, look for a grayish green stone. Nearby to that spot, dig a small hole, deep enough to fit a medium-sized ferret, vertically. Stuff a $20 bill inside. This way, later in the year, you can dig it up again and be like: “Whoa, why was  I dumb enough to bury this in the ground? Now it’s all eaten by worms!” As you can see, I’ve kind of run out of ideas and am wondering why there are so many different horoscope signs.


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